by a confused Chad Morris
I’m trying to write a query letter—no, I’m not a masochist, why
do you ask? At this point, I’ve realized several things:
1)
Despite all my research, I have no idea how to do this.
2)
I know I’m supposed to make my book sound cool, but
after a while, it all just sounds like a whole lot of stupid.
3)
I need help.
Luckily, I think I know some people who can help—you. Would you
be so kind as to look over this draft and help me. Give me feedback in the
comments, or email me at chadcmorris@gmail.com.
Here it is:
I would like to introduce you to my completed 84,000 word,
science fiction novel for young adults—The
Invincible Jacob Fink. It is the first of a possible five-book series.
Fourteen-year-old Jacob Fink is seeing things—far from normal
things. And of course his visions come the same time his English teacher asks
a question, or when Lia finally decides to talk to him. Maybe junior high has
permanently fried his brain.
When Jacob follows his visions and ends up with a broken arm and
yesterday’s garbage dangling from his hair, he wishes they would go away. As they
show him worlds he’s never imagined, Jacob’s more confused than in Algebra
class—and he never thought he’d say that about anything. But Jacob feels absolutely,
near-paranoid, terrified after he discovers that a kid down the street, a cat
under the neighbor’s car, or even an ant in a sidewalk crack might really be
shape-shifting aliens—in his town! These creatures can transform into a beasts
that fly and spit acid, or monsters the size of a buses that swim through the soil
like water. If Jacob doesn’t intervene, they will annihilate everyone he knows
in their search for a missing creature—yeah, epically terrible stuff. With some
help from his new friend, a Polynesian girl who talks to a journal, Jacob
decides to trust his mysterious visions and try to stop the monsters, hoping to
find out why all this is happening to him along the way.
May I just say... your book does NOT sound stupid, but amazingly cool! I will try to go through this more thoroughly, but at first glance, it's pretty good. If you are about to enter the query world, check out Peggy Eddleman's post that she did today. It will be helpful. (At least I think so.) :D Good luck!
ReplyDeleteFor some reason I couldn't get this comment link to work. Not sure if it is my computer or your blog. But I kept trying. So if you don't get a lot of response that might be why.
ReplyDeleteChad your query has SO MUCH voice. That is what I loved about it :) Because I couldn't get the comment link to work, I just sent you an e-mail with a line by line critique. Good luck!
Thanks ladies. Angela, I got your feedback. VERY helpful stuff. Thank you.
ReplyDeleteIt sounds great to me. I'll look through it a bit more thoroughly when I have a few mintues. Until then, in Query Shark we trust.
ReplyDeletehttp://queryshark.blogspot.com/
I think this sounds fantastic and imaginative! Anyone with the name "Fink" is a winner in my book. Here are my brief two cents: At the outset of the query, just launch into the story. Skip the "I would like to introduce you to..." and don't mention the book series idea (just because I've heard agents don't like that...who the hell knows why?) Start with something like "Fourteen-year-old Jacob Fink is seeing things. Things like monsters the sizes of schoolbuses that swim through the soil as if it were water. Things like an ant in the sidewalk crack that transforms into an acid-spitting, shape-shifting alien. These visions are not helping him navigate junior high school, and they tend to appear whenever Lia, the girl he likes, looks his way. Etc etc." I am just throwing these examples out there, but the idea is to jump right into the story with the sharp voice and the interesting details, and later mention the word count, title, and genre.
ReplyDeleteI recommend nixing the first sentence.
ReplyDeleteYou have some interesting ideas here, but the point where my excitement over the story really kicked into gear is when you mention that almost anything can be a dangerous shapeshifter and from them a threat big enough to endanger everything he knows. I feel that is the real juice of the query and suggest you focus on that. Build the suspense around that central idea and the query should hook readers.
(Of course, that is only the humble opinion of an author-in-training.)
Can I just say that this sounds *very* fun? :) My thoughts are in parentheses.
ReplyDeleteI would like to introduce you to my completed 84,000 word, science fiction novel for young adults—The Invincible Jacob Fink. It is the first of a possible five-book series. (Unless you are adding this to the end of a personalized sentence or two about why you picked the agent, I'd move it to the end/beginning of bio paragraph.)
Fourteen-year-old Jacob Fink is seeing things—far from normal things. And of course his visions come the same time his English teacher asks a question, or when Lia finally decides to talk to him. Maybe junior high has permanently fried his brain. (Great! I guess I would like to see an example or two of what these visions are.'follows his visions' is kind of vague ) and ends up with a broken arm and yesterday’s garbage dangling from his hair, he wishes they would go away. As they show him worlds he’s never imagined, Jacob’s more confused than in Algebra class—and he never thought he’d say that about anything. (Definitely at this point I'm thinking you need to be specific as to what these visions are. What is he seeing? It could be a really cool detail that illustrates how your story stands out ) But Jacob feels absolutely, near-paranoid, terrified after he discovers that a kid down the street, a cat under the neighbor’s car, or even an ant in a sidewalk crack might really be shape-shifting aliens—in his town! These creatures can transform into a beasts that fly and spit acid, or monsters the size of a buses that swim through the soil like water. (Cool!) If Jacob doesn’t intervene, they will annihilate everyone he knows in their search for a missing creature—yeah, epically terrible stuff. With some help from his new friend, a Polynesian girl (Is this Lia? Otherwise you can probably cut her out of the query. Even if she is an important character in the book. You only need to represent what makes your story great in a query letter, not include every important detail ) who talks to a journal, Jacob decides to trust his mysterious visions and try to stop the monsters, hoping to find out why all this is happening to him along the way. (I would end with the stakes of global annihilation. "If Jacob doesn't do X,Y,Z, the aliens will destroy the entire world." Something like that, but better. :)
Over all, I think it's a great start. You've captured an excellent voice, which is half the battle! I think you could focus on adding some more concrete details about your plot. See, you have details, but there voicey details, not necessarily plot centered.
But like I said before, this sounds fun! Good luck querying!
Thanks everyone. I really appreciate the feedback and examples. This is very helpful stuff.
ReplyDelete