Christmas is a time of many fantastic traditions, for example: cookies mysteriously appearing on my doorstep, presents, a plate of fudge mysteriously appearing on my doorstep, Christmas carols, and a plate of “you’re getting Muffins for Christmas” mysteriously appearing on my doorstep. Seriously, when you live in a friendly neighborhood it’s like reverse trick-or-treating. I just wait at home and the sugar comes to me.
Some of our yuletide traditions confuse me though—like mistletoe.
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In an effort to find the method to this madness I completed extensive research (4 ½ minutes on the internet) on the subject. Turns out that experts trace the mistletoe tradition back to ancient Druid customs—as in the Stonehenge Druids. Interesting. But I wanted to take it a step further. Was it the Druid men, or the Druid women who invented it?
At first, I thought I had some pretty convincing evidence that
it was the Druid men who invented mistletoe. Note the following:
1. Mistletoe is a terrible name. It doesn’t exactly seem
romantic or even remotely plantlike. It sounds more like a foot fungus, or a badly
named Decepticon. That has “guys” written all over it.
2. The whole ruse is extremely shallow and gimmicky—another point toward the men. Afterall, men were responsible for the great I’ll-bet you-a-quarter-I-can-kiss-you-without-touching-your-lips scheme (which was invented shortly after quarters were first created).
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2. The whole ruse is extremely shallow and gimmicky—another point toward the men. Afterall, men were responsible for the great I’ll-bet you-a-quarter-I-can-kiss-you-without-touching-your-lips scheme (which was invented shortly after quarters were first created).
But my case started to unravel when I realized that men,
ancient and pagan or not, don’t really notice plants. And they never hang them.
If men were behind the idea, they would be more likely to carry mistletoe
around with them and quickly hold it over an unsuspecting passing girl (which
is not a good idea. Touching mistletoe gives you a really bad rash. I mean
itchy all over, poison ivy kind of rash. That’s true. . . Not that I’d know. .
. Seriously . . . never happened to me. . . I wouldn’t try to hold it over . .
. moving on).
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Of course, the Druid men discovered that attempting to discard all the mistletoe can give you a terrible rash.
Ha ha ha ha ha!
ReplyDeleteLOL! I never know about stuff like this, but this time I do. Mistletoe is an herb that you could brew into a tea and it will cause a miscarriage (or abortion). So kissing under it was considered "safe"--not very Christmasy.
ReplyDeletePure comedic genius! I love it! I can't stop staring at the mistletoe guys, too funny :)
ReplyDeletelol! I think your theory sounds pretty reasonable. I wonder if that first mistletoe got burned or rolled up in some ancient, rune-filled scroll.
ReplyDeleteHilarious!
ROFL You made my day!
ReplyDeleteMakes perfect sense to me :-)
ReplyDelete